An exercise in trust: Mick and Len, probably nsfw

[hottestrogue]

Mick sits on Len's bed, his head in his hands. The smell of smoke and burning books still clung to his clothes. He had been helping that woman burn the books in the library, not because he cared for the books or her in anyway but because of the call of the fire. It could have gone bad. Really bad. They were on a spaceship, but once he had seen that flame it had been too late.

This was getting out of hand, he felt like he couldn't help it. He isn't sure how to put it into words, but for once in his life, Mick is scared. The timemasters had turned that need for chaos and the desire to watch the world burn in to a weapon they could point at people. With the legends it was less a weapon and more a controlled fire. Here on the Barge he doesn't have either of those two.

He licks his lips when he hears Len's footsteps and glances up at his partner. "Len..."

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[chillestrogue]

Len's no stranger to Mick's need to release steam once in a while. When they were kids, it was harder, not having ready access to things to burn in prison. Now adults, it was easier to make sure his partner always had a few controlled firepits he could return to when he needed to burn off. Fire was never something he understood, but Len could definitely sympathize with pent-up aggression.

He hadn't heard about the library fire yet, so when he opens his bedroom door, he's walking into the situation clueless. Mick's posture gives him pause; over time, he's gotten good at recognizing all of Mick's moods, attitudes he wears on his sleeve in a way Len never did. This looked like regret, or fear. It made his heart catch in his throat, more so when he sniffed the air and smelled the residue of burnt paper.

"Mick?" He shuts the door and stays there, frowning.

"What happened?"

[hottestrogue]

Mick looks up at him and he licks his lips. "There was a woman. She was setting fire to books in the library. I... I helped her. I know I shouldn't I know it is dangerous." He sighs. He had been worried it had been Lisa that was here, he would never forgive himself if he hurt her.

"I don't know why. I couldn't help it."

[chillestrogue]

He stood and looked back at his partner, brow furrowed, as he listened to what he was being told. It wasn't so bad - he'd definitely seen worse, though this was the first time they'd really encountered fire when Mick wasn't being brainwashed.

"...Anyone get hurt?"

[hottestrogue]

"Not that I know of." He reaches out to pull Len close. He needed Len right now. "Len i... fuck i feel like I am about to lose it."

[chillestrogue]

He walks over, to join his partner on the bed, sitting beside him.

That..was concerning. Mick practically never admitted weakness to anyone. Certainly not so openly.

"You've gone through crap like this before." He reasoned, in a deliberately calming tone of voice. "Are you scared you can't control yourself? Maybe we ought to be lighting more, smaller contained fires. "

[hottestrogue]

"I've been trying, in the Enclosure. It just isn't the same, Len." He glances at the man next to him. "I don't know if I want to control myself. I want to let it all burn. You know that."

He looks back at his hands, pulling the gloves off and looking at the scars on his wrists. "The time masters did something. I..." He grits his teeth. Len deserves the truth. "Usually it wasn't physical torture. But the times where it was just that... Pain is like rain."

[chillestrogue]

"I know." He was sympathetic to the need to cause chaos, though he was oppositely minded in that respect. Mick's nature could only be contained for so long before he began seeking worse outlets.

He gives a stony look to the floor at the mention of torture, quietly pleased that at the very least, his dying moment meant the obliteration of these time bastards who had so thoroughly messed with Mick.

"What, dampening all those external little urges? Mick, I hate to be that guy, but if it's between letting you cause fires and hurting you, I'd much rather go with the former. No offense."

[hottestrogue]

Mick looks away, focusing on the floor instead. "What if the times I attacked you has been because of this?" His voice is quiet. "What if I start a fire that gets out of hand and hurts you or Shiro?" He feels like a dick bringing Cold's inmate into this, but Cold is the only person he trusts with this.

He licks his lips. "Remember that first time we were in real prison, not juvie, together? You took control. All those subtle ways you called the shots. Something like that, just more."

[chillestrogue]

Cold did his best not to mention that Mick had already started a fire that almost hurt him. He frowns, he too not meeting Mick's eyes.

"You've come close a couple of times in the past, before here. All we have to do is take certain precautions." He reasoned.

He gave a sad grimace at the memory.

"I took control because it was real prison, and we were going to get picked off by the gangs if one of us didn't make a show of force. I'm the more convincing actor."

[hottestrogue]

Mick looks over at him, just a quick glance. He licks his lips. It had worked back then, they had all fallen for it. Mick too. "I guess you are."

He takes a deep breath and pushes away from the bed, standing before he moves to kick off his shoes and glancing towards the shower. An icy cold shower sounds good right around now. Or rather it sounds horrible but just like what he needs. "I am going to go get cleaned up."

[chillestrogue]

He stares back at Mick, getting the strong idea that somehow, he's messed up somewhere. Len remains on the bed, leaning over his knees.

"If you're sure.." He trails off, uncertain. But at least he can think over the last few minutes of conversation and come to his own conclusions on what he just missed.

[hottestrogue]

Mick comes back after a long while. The water had been icy cold and his lips seemed more purple and blue than normal. There is goosebumps all over his skin. He is wearing his jeans when he comes back, his shirt in his hands. He comes over to look at Len, crouching down in front of him.

"I'll try out the fires. You don't even have to be there. Shisui seems to like fire as well." He speaks softly, reaching out to touch Len's knee. The shower had helped him think, it might work, and either way it would be something Len was more comfortable with.

[chillestrogue]

Len rests in Mick's bed, having removed his shoes and parka to lie curled up on his side, facing the bathroom door. He's spent the time thinking to himself, his hand brushing up against the blankets, considering his motivations.

"I hurt you in prison." He stated bluntly, frowning at Mick. "To show other people. The hell do you want to go back to that for?"

[hottestrogue]

Mick looks at him and then reaches out to stroke Len's cheek. "Because it felt good. Fuck I can't explain why. Maybe I'm just too fucked up. But it felt good. The pain chased all the other shit away. There was only two things that mattered. You and the pain. I tried not to show it. If I did I'd be dead soon enough."

He takes a deep breath. "I know you don't want to. You know me, Len, you think I'd ask for this if I didn't think it might work?"

[chillestrogue]

He didn't want to. Giving pain reminded him too much of his father, whom he'd sworn never to become.

But Mick so rarely asked for help, and he looked torn, struggling between genuinely wanting to help his partner, and afraid that he might take things too far.

"What if I really hurt you? I could ruin our partnership. I could take things off the cliff. It's risky, Mick."

[hottestrogue]

"When do we ever do things that are safe, Len?" But he reaches out to touch Len. "You didn't break me in prison, you're not going to break me now. I know you, Len. I trust you."

He tries to pull Len into a hug. "How about no restraints this time? We both know that when it comes to physical force you can't hold me down. So if it is too much and you won't stop, I'll just get away."

[chillestrogue]

He scoots forward, into Mick's arms, settling there in his partner's embrace.

"If I won't stop when it's too much for you, I'm no better than my father."

[hottestrogue]

"You are not your father Len. Your father is no damn hero." Mick might not know all of it, but he knows enough. And he hates the man. Sometimes he is pissed at Len for getting to him first. Mick had wanted to give him a taste of what hell would be like.

"Your father would not be here. The only reason your father might think twice about causing pain is because I asked for it. That would take the enjoyment out of it for him. Len... Leonard."

He moves so he can look straight into Len's eyes.

"You are not him. You never were and you never will be."

[chillestrogue]

"I'm not a hero." He couldn't say he felt regret when it came to patricide; if anyone deserved death, it was Lewis. But Len still felt cold at the thought of it. He had felt...nothing. Not anger, not even satisfaction. It wasn't something he tried to think about often.

He moves when Mick shifts up, looking back up at him. He's never had a problem hurting other people, but he never got enjoyment out of it the way his father did; he was never a bully to those who couldn't defend themselves. Kids and women were specifically off-limits to him.

Mick...Maybe Mick could handle it. Len could never overwhelm his partner physically, and maybe that would be enough.

"If I do start turning out like him," He warned, quietly, "I want you to kill me. No questions asked. Put me down."

[hottestrogue]

"No. Not until I've tried getting you help. If nothing works and you're still like him, then yes."

Mick doesn't bother to lie to Len.

"People can break out of any conditioning, I should know, Len. So trust me, I'll try to get you help if that happens." He licks his lips. "But I won't let you hurt anyone, not Summers, not Lisa, not me, nobody."

[chillestrogue]

There were a few good things standing in Len's way of becoming his father, he reasoned. He wasn't a bully; he wasn't interested in hurting people for his own benefit, but rather, for Mick's; and Mick could take care of himself. He trusted him to tell when too far became too far.

And maybe he needed to give himself more credit, too.

"Good." He said, tightening his hug for a brief second before letting go and sitting up.

"You're freezing, by the way. What did you do, take an ice bath?"

[hottestrogue]

"Got the shower as cold as I could. I figured I'd try that to see if it gave the same reaction. It... numbs it a little but not the same way."

He moves to pull Len close for a hug again. He wants the warmth

[chillestrogue]

He shivers, but likes the cold, and is okay to have his warmth sapped by Mick. Cold is at the edge of the bed now, his usual sweater on, knees curled in close to himself.

"Sounds to me like you've got a plan."

[hottestrogue]

"They are nothing like your plans." Mick just holds him for now, stroking his back gently. He knows there are marks. He has seen plenty of them, and he needs to find ways for Len to hurt him that doesn't bring back those memories.

"I figure we should make it somewhere special, just for the two of us and it only happens there." That is about as far as he's gotten.

[chillestrogue]

He shuts his eyes, relaxing in small increments when he feels Mick's hand at his back. Mick's ideas...sounded promising. If it only happened in one room, that would make escape for both of them an easy path.

"I like that idea. So long as it's private." He could be showy, but not when it came to things deeply personal.